Communication with Rick got longer, more engaged as time went on. Then, one time, he spoke of his daughter's letter he found regarding his daughter's friend who committed suicide and Rick broke down saying he could barely hold it together, to imagine his child with such anguish that he never knew and just found out. I felt for him. Our exchanges has gotten more intimate and personal. He works at a District Attorney's office in a small town in California, as an Assistant District Attorney. He explained that he commutes to his home during the weekend and back to the small town where he works as the ADA during the week. He also explained that he should have retired but had to work for his daughter's college education. He seems like a solid, very mature, nice soul. One time before a weekend where he had to go home to his family, he was saying a temporary goodbye to me and things got a little more intimate that I found myself saying, "Have a safe trip and I love you". I wish I could take it back, I was mortified that I said it to him and all he said back was, "Have a wonderful weekend and I will think of you". Total burn. That particular weekend I decided to stop the insanity. I love my husband. My husband is perfect. A greek god compared to Rick who was a geek demi-god, a namby pamby. But when Rick contacted me and his messages seemed more urgent, more personal, I told him that I did not like saying what I said and I can't communicate with him anymore. He told me I scared myself silly saying the words I love you and told me that he was doubly scared because he felt the same way, only I articulated it in words.
The goodbye I planned didn't happen. Even when he would sex texts me, I found his style to be too old school. He would never say the word FUCK. He always wanted to "make love". Namby pamby like Betty from Twitter said. Old school as I would call it. Hell, Rick IS 4 years older than dad. But I already loved him. I let all the "judgments" go, the sheer mock surprises because I loved him or I convinced myself I loved him. Then every weekend, it has become a routine for him to seek me out as soon as he gets back. His sex drive became 5 times aggressive than a man half his age. He looked at my profile photos on Twitter or whatever and the first things he would say would be how much he wanted to "slowly" take my clothes off. (Had that been David, the looks would be sufficient to me that I will be naked in a matter of seconds). But Rick was and is OLD SCHOOL.
I played it off as Rick wanting to feel loved, desired, wanted, needed and most of all quickened by a woman younger than half his age. As time went on, he had problems concentrating on his wife, whom at first, he described as sexy. (I have seen her, she is homely and short and a little chubby for my taste) As our virtual affair got steamier, Rick has admitted that the last time he saw his wife, he did not even make love to her. What I found odd, though we had never been physical with one another, is that I could tell if Rick has had sex and when he has not. As for me, I don't know if he could tell that David and I were intimate nightly and daily. I felt bad about it. Rick worked me up enough to only devour my husband every time he walked in the door.
But like all things that are meant to be perfect in a way, in it's own layer... it was faulty. Rick always said the desire, the love, the lust he felt for me will tear him asunder. And my love for him was to honor the man in him but never to leave my David. Until that one night. When I felt like losing myself in the layer of a love that was crazy and unreal.
My husband found me unconscious with 2 bottles of Tylenol and 1 empty bottle of Absolut in bed with my phone opened to a DM of Rick pleading I give him my phone number. David read the messages after I was driven to the ER by the paramedics. And only when he knew I would be alright. Oh, but how he looked at me when I was discharged. It was a look of a man both furious and in pain. He spoke as I had my head down sitting on the wheelchair. "Your virtual lover deleted his account not because he was devastated you are dead but because he doesn't want to be exposed."
It was said in such a cold, factual way I had no choice but to nod my head in agreement. The last statement my husband made? "I told your sister to call the asshole and to tell him you did not make it. Let him keep the memory of a woman younger than half his age who loved him, desired him, wanted him and needed him because he will never have that honor again. That is from one officer of the law to another officer of the court". It was clear that David has read Rick's statement to me: "You honor me with your love, Bella, one which I do not deserve".
Thank you, Rick, for the life lesson and a different layer of love.